The Synapses of My Heart {31 Days to Holistic Christ-Centered Living Day#17}



I rock Lilly, holding her close in the dark, I lay my cheek on her silky hair, sing her a lullaby. I lay her down and step just a few feet away to tuck in a little one, snuggle her in with Monkey tightly.

And then as I am about to leave, Lilly cries, and I know that cry–she is frustrated. Her blanket is twisted wrong, so I go back to her to soothe.

I wrap her in her puppy blanket the way a Mama knows how.

I shut the door, but pause and peek through the crack, watch my four year old falling asleep, her lying there all perfect angelic creature, the wheat crown of her poking up out of covers.

Something in me grows very quiet and still and sad andI wonder how I will remember all this.

I want to remember it just like this with the wooden train and dolls strewn about over pine floors, the woven rugs, the squeaky rocking chair wih it’s handmade pink crocheted blanket thrown over the back, and their golden little heads lying in dreams, their tiny hands clutching lovies.

I want to remember Bella’s voice just as it rings with sweetness now, that little lisp and those deep dimples and I want to remember Lilly’s giggles sounding like Heaven..

I let the wonder and glory just settle right down all around me.

Even the angels are in awe of God’s children, how we are made in the image of His diety, how He loved us to the earth and back, how He adores us and spins wildly over us.

This extends far below the surface of me and I am in hushed admiration too, reverence anchoring me, pausing here in the darkness, in the silence, imprinting this moment upon the synapses of my heart.

Gratitude:


3 gifts found in Christ…
#502 freedom, my chains gone
#503 amazing grace pouring over me
#504 the cross that redeemed me back to God, that gives me strength every day

#505 the way Ivy and Bella lie on yoga mats when Lorna and I are done exercising, and Ivy says, “Look Mama, I’m doing my yoga!” always wanting my approval, needing my nod and smile that says she is okay in this world

2 things blue…
#506 A young Mary and baby Jesus painted in shades of blue on Husband’s canvas
#507 my baby girls blue eyes squinting and laughing at me with so much mischievousness

#508 how I go in there to teach them the downward dog and the cobra and the little one–in her diaper–grunts at me to show her too, her head and hands sprawled on the floor, bum sticking straight up in the air

one grace borrowed, one found, one inherited…
#509 the long-awaited, very much needed vehicle that is coming through Husband’s work
#510 daughter finding her father’s weight bar hidden behind the stack of VCR tapes and his smile and thank you.
#511 my ability to do anything well with my hands, the precise line I can stroke with paint like my Daddy

#512 when we are reading Stepping Heavenward at bedtime, and I explain that when Katherine was upset at her Aunty’s injustice, it meant she felt her Aunty was being unfair, and Lorna says, “Yeah, I know how that feels.”

a gift before 9 am, gift before noon, a gift after dark…
#513 Husband making coffee for me, waking to the glorious smell of cinnamon buns, eggs and sausage
#514 a talk with my Pastor letting him know in this season of our lives we won’t be at church every week, and the grace he extended, taking the pressure off
#515 Husband and I in our room creating together, conversation as we drift off to sleep

#516 Lorna’s perceptiveness when I say Lilly is a sweet baby, “Well, she isn’t always sweet; sometimes she’s sour.”

#517 Bella coming to me with her request: “Mama, can you fix the game? I’m too little.”

3 gifts that might never have been…
#518 my wonderful Husband, so thankful that God held us together strong through the years
#519 our new church body, how much we are growing, learning, grateful we made the move and decided to stay…maybe we are finally home
#520 Husband allowing me to homeschool…though it has it’s trudging trials, in the end I will one day see all the benefits…this I know

#521 When Bella pops in my bed at 7:15 am, and asks to play a game and I answer her that she will have to wait until I get up, how she catches me off gaurd and says, “No, when you get up, you’ll need a story, and you’ll read th bible again and again and again.”

#522 How Bella says “Wakey, wakey” in a sing-song voice to get me up.

3 graces found in your friends…
#523 my best friend driving to my house before noon to workout and have lunch together
#524 the miraculous wonder of a friendship broken and wounded being restored in Christ through grace and forgiveness
#525 my running buddy being gracious when my body is in pain on a bad day

#526 How when I tickle Bella all over, she yells, “I love you! I love you! I love you!” between giggles

#527 Ivy running inside to tell me of a great mystery she has solved, “Mama! I know who is shutting the mailbox so hard–it’s the mailman! And there are more yellow flowers out there–lots of them!” The way she forces me to see there are gifts right in front of me all the time.

a song heard, a soft word, where i saw light…
#528 everyone singing “How Great Is Our God” in corporate body worship, how it reminds me of us all singing in Heaven, and if we have someone to sing it with, how it makes the faith more real
#529 Husband’s “I’m sorry” and how it releases me and lets me exhale

#530 light streaming in through window, in shafts across a book on bedside table

#531 when we’re working outside and I get covered in ants and yell out to everyone that only sweet Ivy came to help, Lorna says, “Well, you’re an adult and they’re only little ants.”

#532 how when I tell Lorna that since I was covered in them, I couldn’t see them to get them off, Ivy pipes up with, “You have a point, Mama.” and then, “You know, I was born to care about people.”

an old thing seen new…
#533 Husband’s face, the same one I’ve seen for 11 years, and yet sometimes when I look at him, it’s for the first time and I fall in love all over again

#534 how when we are sitting at the breakfast table and I’m trying to read something beautiful to them and everyone is scuffling around, getting up, not listening, I shoot a frustrated glance at Husband, and say some exasperated words, and Ivy says, “You know we can all apologize sometimes.” And my heart is pierced straight through. Out of the mouths of babes.

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22 thoughts on “The Synapses of My Heart {31 Days to Holistic Christ-Centered Living Day#17}”

  1. #533- I love this. How true it is!!

    and #534 – I live this everyday. My kids teach me more then anyone ever has!!

    Loved reading your list today– stopping in from Ann's.

  2. hi Amy,

    thank you and which # did you mean because there isnt a 538? im sure you meant 528, right? thank you so much for coming by and taking the time to write down a few words!

    blessings,

    Nacole

  3. Tammy,

    hey! nice to meet you and thank you so much. i am so glad that being here was a blessing to you. thanks for taking the time to let me know!

    blessings in His grace,

    Nacole

  4. hi Amy!

    thank you so much! ah, the puppy blanket, yes, kind of makes me want one. thank you for stopping by and for your comment–it made me smile.

    blessings,

    Nacole

  5. 531 so made me laugh! There's an awesome post in that one!!! You talk about wanting to remember, wanting these precious memories to seep – and it is amazing how it does – like rich soil deep down in the garden of their lives – and when they're 16, 19 and 25, you look at them and the fragrance of that rich soil reaches you!!!!

    You know – God used your posts to open my eyes to the blessings around me. My life is so much more beautiful and full of joy because of it!

  6. Maryleigh,

    i dont know what to say, just a little speechless. know this–i cant tell you what it means that my little piece of craziness here has touched your life in such a way–this makes writing so worth it! im thankful for you friend! #531–yes, funny! 🙂

    blessings and love,

    Nacole

  7. my dear nacole, this made me cry. i'm so desperate to remember it all too. these angels of children… (meanwhile, i couldn't wait for mine to go to bed tonight 🙂 but generally speaking…!) i love you dear friend… and wonder, would you want to share your story of battling an eating disorder with my readers at http://chasingsilhouettes.wordpress.com? you don't have to… but if you are interested, email me at wierenga.emily@gmail.com. bless you. e.

  8. nacole, what a gorgeous list of gratitude. and i think that even when the details slip from our minds, somehow our mama-hearts remember. i love that you are living these days full, with humility and joy and thankfulness.

  9. This made me cry, like your posts always do, because the thought of them growing up is sad. It is sad because there is no possible way to remember every little thing they do and say. I wish I could commit it all to memory and recall it whenever I want. The fact is that I already forgot what Ivy use to act like as a baby, and Lorna. I guess you just have to enjoy the moments you have and not worry about the ones you will lose.

  10. yes, Em, i will email you. so sorry it took this long, but has been a hectic weekend! thank you for this amazing offer.

    i understand wanting them to go to bed so badly, and yet lingering to watch once you get them in. such a delicate balance–mothering.

    love you too and blessings to you,

    Nacole

  11. oh! Nic! so good to see you here! thank you so very much for you encouraging words. i am trying to live these days the best i can through God's grace. living them with you, His grace pouring over us.

    blessings,

    Nacole

  12. oh! wow, Sumer its so good to see you here. yes, it is sad, and thats what motivated me to write. but this was written with the idea of how God redeems all things, even the very sad human vapor of our lives, He takes it and makes something glorious. and yes, enjoying the moments you have–thats exactly what the ending is all about.

    love and blessings!
    xoxo

  13. YOU FIXED YOUR REPLY THING!!! good for you – GOOD for you! I know, that I know, that I know – that you don't think you're brave. I think you're brave. You also should know that I've been wondering about you – I know times of silence from my Mississippi friend are not always good times – I've been battling a wee bit of pneumonia myself – your words here were beautiful as always – “in a puppy blanket…as only a mama knows” “husband admiration” – very VERY very fine things. And my favorite thank you? The last one – from the mouth of a babe – setting your heart straight – and that your heart can be set straight. God bless you my friend!

  14. hi Craig,

    so good to see you here! ive missed you. why am i so brave? im so glad you enjoyed it so much–as always your words are so encouraging!!–that my heart can be set straight–yes. *blushing smile* God bless!

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