When I was a very young mother with two small ones, I went through a season of illness. My baby was only months old when postpartum depression took me under with the sucking force of it’s quick sand.
There were so many days that I was a ball of a mess of emotions, I couldn’t get out of bed or get dressed, I got angry with my two small children, I couldn’t handle the baby’s cries, and one time I even put the baby in her crib and walked next door to my mom’s to call my Pastor’s wife for help in a moment of pure desperation.
When Husband came home in the evening, I didn’t know what to do with the hormonal chaos that threatened to overtake me, and I blurted out too many words, making the air thick and heavy and it left us rotting and sagging, everything crumbling under the weight, our footing and our course unsure.
I was a woman lost and empty.
I had nothing to give my family because I was void inside. I was depleted, depraved and hopeless on my own.
I was rotting in my own sin-stink, and I self-loathed and I was flailing and sinking in my attempt for a way out, an escape.
And maybe if I just whisper this, or if I shout it, maybe it really is true–
the miraculous wonder of God is that He is mighty to save and He offers a way out for us.
“Now I know that the Lord saves his annointed; he will answer him from holy heaven with the saving might of his right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. They collapse and fall, but we rise and stand upright. O Lord, save the king! May he answer us when we call.” Psalm 20:6-9
My Pastor’s wife encouraged me in everyday liturgy, not in legalistic, religious forms, but in habits that would benefit me, that would bring me closer to God, that would make me whole and bring peace to my family’s days.
I began meeting with God in the quiet every morning with just my bible and my restless heart.
As I came to God in the stillness, He met me there and quieted my soul, melted my resistance, and He hushed my angry, weary, frustrated spirit.
It was this liturgy, this rhythm of habits, a consistent gathering with God that would illuminate my path and cause me to blossom in the rich depths of the soil of His word and worship and prayer.
It was in this revolving back to God, this daily habitual clinging, that I came up out of the depression, out of the mighty quick sand’s grasp, and I was able to give to my family, to be patient with my children and begin teaching them about God, and I found truest joy.
I still huddle quiet with God in the stillness and beauty of softest morning light every day.
And on days that I don’t do so well, I don’t let it beat me into the ground. I just start over the next day and come to Him who is waiting there for me, my Beloved.
“Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.” Song of Songs 2:13
And I know that it is this beautiful liturgy, this constant turning to God, these revolutions over and over again back to Him that are my lifeline, my true north.
This is part of a series, 4 Ways To Radically Change Your Life In the New Year–An Unresolution…you can go here to read the original post that started it all.
I hope you will join me as I try to explore the rest of the 4 Ways this week…